Post by twayne on Jan 19, 2005 12:53:23 GMT -5
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the
way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live
in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know.
I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?" The
92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her
sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure
hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing
loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec
room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman
in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends
for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were
playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me .. I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name
is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in
a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting
nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh,
crap, am I driving?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the
way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live
in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know.
I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?" The
92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her
sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure
hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing
loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec
room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman
in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends
for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were
playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me .. I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name
is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in
a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting
nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh,
crap, am I driving?"